A Week in My Head: Entry 8

A Week in My Head is some kind of journal of all the things that went on in my head the past week. Be it succes, struggle or just some random ramblings. I know it doesn’t replace professional counselling, but this is my kind of therapy – talking it out of myself in this way. Join me if you want and feel free to share your experiences. I’m sure we can learn from each other and A Week in My Head will be a less lonely time.

In case you missed any of the previous entries, you can find them on the A Week in My Head page!

This week had been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster, thanks to 1) the lack of sleep which caused constant headaches, 2) a lot of good things happening, 3) the stress created by launching stuff and 4) my brain being an asshole. Not exactly the best of combinations, I admit. And on top of all that, I have a reading slump. Fun days.

What I struggled most with was the lack of… appreciation? Reaction? Both? It’s a bit hard to pinpoint it. This week was about launching a lot of stuff: the design on my blog, my new rating system (which is still my personal favourite about all the new design), one of my new features –What the Hungarian?! and Storytellers On Tour – an indie SFF blog/bookstagram/youtube tour organising services we created together with Justine from Whispers & Wonder along with our first ever tour.

And though this was all really exciting and nerve-wrecking at the same time, at the end of the day, I felt more disappointed than happy and satisfied. Don’t get me wrong, I was extremely proud of myself and everyone involved (my graphic designer and Justine) for what we achieved and had my heart in everything. And probably that’s exactly why I felt like none of this registered with anyone. Okay, not anyone, there definitely were friends who went of ouf their way to enocourage me/us and tell me what they thought of the stuff launched. And I really, really appreciate that! But on the other hand, it still feels like all of the work was for nothing. Okay, yeah, I’m exaggerating, obviously. It’s kinda like I threw a stone into the lake, expecting to see the rings on the surface and watching intently – only to find the lake, in fact is a slab of concrete. No rings. No reaction. Anytime I post something new I have to battle with waves of anxiety and doubt over whether people will like it, or get it or just not totally ignore it. It’s easy to make myself believe I failed, when in truth I might not. It depends on your point of view what counts as failing though. Or mine, for that matter.

I don’t want to seem to be ungrateful. I know there are a lot of people out there having my back and I love them for it. But time to time I wonder if it’s worth putting in so much effort into everything I do. If I could just shrug, say I tried and move on instead of eating myself alive. But I can’t do things only half heartedly. I can’t be satisfied with less, because that’s not in my nature/personality. What I wan’t is not popularity, but to share the joy and excitement I’m feeling whenever I introduce something new. I want people joining me and acknowledge the effort I’ve put in. I’m not good at shitposting, or writing opinionated articles or super-important-advices. And I don’t want to get in line and be like everyone else, so I’m always working on something new, I’m always experiencing and it would be nice to get feedback whether I’m on the right path or not. It would be nice getting attention for some of my posts at least.

The other day I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone a bit and sent over some interview questions to someone I had no idea how to handle. I’m used to author interviews, but I’m the person who doesn’t like / can’t asking questions. You’ve no idea how many times I was told off because of it. So, I’m really conscious of it and at the same time I always try to make sure these interviews aren’t full of the usual, basic questions. Anyway, I’ve sent the document away and the person was positively EXCITED when he received it. And then he told me all about how much he loved the questions and that seriously made my whole day. No kidding. I’ve said this before somewhere, that the little things that count, the ones you wouldn’t expect would make someone’s day. It might be a simple kindness on your part, but it can mean the world to someone else.

Thankfully things balanced out by today. I’m more or less rested and spent the day contacting people, trying to build up our blogger base for Storytellers On Tour and that was rewarding. I don’t see things that darkly now. Despite the fact that many people plot my death in their books *cough* Not everything is as bad as it seems, and though I might feel invisible and totally insignificant a lot of times, I need to focus on the little joys which makes it all worth it in the end. Not least of all the friends I made thanks to this little oasis in the big, wild sea of the internet and especially the book blogging community.

I’m sure I’ll have many more bad days just as much good ones too. This week was a bit stressful with ALL the things going on, but I also had some really good moments. At the end of the week, it all balanced out and I know this post was kind of negative, but I feel much better all things considered.

In case you missed any of the previous entries, you can find them on the A Week in My Head page!

No Comments

  • Victoria Corva

    For the record, I really love the new features and the new designs! And the new rating system actually made me chuckle. I can’t always comment but I keep up as much as I can.

    It’s really hard to put out new things that you’ve put so much work into and not get much of a reaction. But it’s a weird year and a lot of people are going through a rough time. I bet given time, you will begin to reap the rewards of your hard work and see how much people are enjoying it.

    I am … very familiar with both this feeling and this process. I too put far too much work into everything. Although I can’t say I don’t want the popularity. If people don’t read my books, where I will I find the praise that sustains me? XD

    • Timy

      Oh, I know! You are one of the people who are really supportive and comments a lot and I’m so, so grateful for it!

      Sometimes doubts, anxiety and my low self-esteem gets the better of me, that’s all. And in fact, I had some really good moments as well last week so it wasn’t all bad.

  • Victoria Corva

    Anxiety and low self-esteem are so rough and hard to get past. I’m glad you had good moments last week though! And I hope you’ll have more this week as well! <3

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